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[08 May 2006|09:10pm] |
A place to spend my quiet nights, time to unwind. So much pressure in this life of mine, I cry at times. I once contemplated suicide, and woulda tried
But when I held that 9, all I could see was my momma's eyes. No one knows my struggle, they only see the trouble. Not knowin it's hard to carry on when no one loves you. Picture me inside the misery of poverty. No man alive has ever witnessed struggles I survived. Prayin hard for better days, promise to hold on. Me and my dawgs ain't have a choice but to roll on. We found a family spot to kick it. Where my home boys can roll dice and no one bickers over trick shit. A spot where we can roll in peace, and even though we G's
We still visualize places, that we can roll in peace. And in my mind's eye I see this place, the players go in fast. I got a spot for us all, so we can ball.
It's kind of weird how everything has been latley. Life is like the oddest thing in the world and the way people work is even worse. I don't know what it is about myself but I hate every aspect of how my lfie is going. I just really want to thank Nick, Ricky, Robert, Cait and Mickey, specially Cait and Mickey for bein my friends after all this lame ass shit that happend over the summer, you two truley are my best friends. I can't wait till I get to hang out with you two all the time again, its crazy I got a job now and its killin me, but this summer is going to be a good one. Love all my friends from toledo to here and to the D. Thank you all for bein there.
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[25 Apr 2006|10:56pm] |
Stay strong, be tough, that's what the preacher tell ya
He never really felt ya, so he can't even help ya
Need a shoulder to lean on, somebody to cry to
It's like everything's gone, but I'm a survivor
Standin on stage in front of thousands
Don't amount to me not havin my father
That's real talk, I know a lot of y'all got 'em
But you need 'em way more when you gotta go without 'em
And I'm without 'em, but that's life y'all
Sometimes you gotta learn to swim with no lifeguard
I'm alright God, shit I'm still breathin
But lose hurt like bullets, I'm about to start bleedin
Throw me down some comfort, cause my heart need it
Tryin to cope wit my chances and meet 'em
There's a dark road ahead, but I'm tryin to take it easy
I pray every time I cross the spot on the pavement, save me
Lord will I be next for the taking? Take me
I know I'm livin like I know when I'm comin
But I'm just livin cause I know that it's comin
And the end is comin, but I ain't runnin
I and hidin and duckin, I'm in the middle of a war, I'm alive and love it
I'm just speakin from the heart of the diein public
We still beatin, we gon rise above it
Though it seem like they cheatin and we loosin
We survive if nothin, they could never take the stride from strugglin
I gotta ride
And sometimes that ride get bloody
But I just think about my buddy and go after that money, but uhh..
Like I said, life ain't nuttin but a long extended road, keep drivin
I done passed up plenty people up on the side of road, no help, keep goin
Yea...Lost a lot of passengers on the ride, kept goin...yep...
who knows when I'll run outta gas. Yea..
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[22 Mar 2006|12:20am] |
Have you ever loved someone so much, you'd give an arm for?
Not the expression, no, literally give an arm for?
When they know they're your heart
And you know you were their armour
And you will destroy anyone who would try to harm 'her
But what happens when karma, turns right around and bites you?
And everything you stand for, turns on you, despite you?
What happens when you become the main source of her pain?
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[20 Mar 2006|11:27pm] |
I peep yo eyes and now realize that you want us together
Could be so wrong had me alone but now we made this better
I live to see the best of me and greater than an other
In extasy my style you need cant you feelin a brother
My love for this not playin but thick its stretched like the atlantic
No pimpin out from here on out what we do its romantic
You feelin this im serious and i aint never kiddin
I know this creepin hopes to see that Lil J say you did it
I pay for way for you and J to walk away in the world
I meant for you, you meant for me no need for hard to get girl
I know you diggin me im diggin you so whats the hold up
You did me wrong alone my style is wild but still im tow up
So sick you made me throw up confused still im about ya
I had a crush i stay with trust and i would never doubt ya
One many minute in my feelings bout you is so gravy
Not one above you and i love you girl you is my baby
I know that you be diggin me
Must I push you through extasy?
But this is how it has to be
So why did you do me so wrong?
I
Why did you do me so wrong?
Shawty why dont you pick up the phone?
24 hours in my zone when you hit me back im gone
Let me alone once again thats fucked up my closest friend
More 'lettos more than ten Im fucked up bout Sheetos gin
You was in this shit to win
I drop keysters aint no joke
Drop you ho right after school
You meet me at every show
Yous my baby yous my foe yous my lady you aint no ho
Cuz these hoes just want my money and that shit right thats fa sho
You just let a nigga go that what im supposed to do
Mama told me loves blind shoulda never fucked with you
But its cool thats the news even you gave me the blues
Im ready to put that all aside just to get that right with you girl
Im a fool for your love, in my eyes you are dove
Plus many naked lies you tell me aint nothing but for done
Can tell by the way you posted up you need a thug in your life
Fuck them sucka muthafuckas they aint love in your life
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[16 Mar 2006|10:02pm] |
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I've never asked you for much, man. But you know how I feel about her, you probably knew how I felt about her before I even realized it myself. Even though I've been going through a lot latley she is the only that makes me feel ok, she makes me feel alive again, she gives me a stomach ache just looking at her beauty. She makes me so nervous. I messed up for sure, but I'm asking you to help me, I just need you to give me the strength.
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[11 Mar 2006|08:44pm] |
I told her from the jump she was too good for me, but she ignored it and said no matter what she'd adore me, and if I ever worried she'd assure me with a hurry we were perfect for each other, then things got blurry, but it was too late I gave my heart
away with sencerity and when she left I guess she couldnt see the severity, for 6 months we would see each other when we could except for when i'd record or I was out on tour, then her life got rough and she didn't want my support, I guess she didn't need me anymore and broke for the door, and I tried to move on but I was dying inside, I kept a straight face and lied, told all my friends I was fine, but I was sitting uneasy because I didnt know why she just up and said bye and left my mind a crash site. The love of my life packed a poisonous bite, I never noticed you were heartless until that night, thats right.
Now I reflect I see that you were defective, heart ripped from my chest learning valuble lessons, if your capable of that then im glad you got the steppin I don't need you. I thought i did but you aint worth the stressing
Did I not treat you well enough? What the fuck did I do? I would have given you the world if you wanted me to, what do I get in return, a fucking email that says your busy, things are shitty, and how our relationship failed. You didn't seem to care, brushed it off like hair, and you made it quite clear that we were over for real, but it was only a matter of time I seen it coming from a mile away, but you should have given us a second chance before you strayed. Now today I stand here heartless because you stole it, broke it, and tossed it in the garbage, and now i see what your mom did to you cause you did it to me, I hope you notice that too. I would have waited while you got your life straightened out but instead I just wasted half a year to get erased now. You should have never led me on to think that this was gonna last, so go ahead and burn our pictures its a thing of the past.
I'm moving on and my hearts still torn but after this song you wont exsist to me anymore.
I'd like to thank all the people who have messaged me and said they are on my side, i was surprised not only at the amount of people but by how fast all these people found out. I love you specially mickey and cait.
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[05 Mar 2006|12:53am] |
So I got some good news, I might be getting trained in MMA at a school in oregon, a very high caliber school, in June I am going to check it out and meet everyone.
Also on the fighting side I'm excited to see that Forrest is gonna be Fighting Tito, and I'm thinkin this is gonna be a win for Forrest and possible a carreer ender for Tito.
Other than that wrestling for the team is over, I'm doing freestyle now and hoping to advance at states, then on to Greko, then off to oregon this summer.
I now get to hang out with everyone all the time and no more starving, well a little bit here and there but oh well.
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[31 Jan 2006|09:51pm] |
I will die for my pride.
I will die for my beleifs.
I will take blame for something my brothers have done.
I will die for the friends that will die for me.
The questions is, are you really my friend, or am I just something to you?
I've realize that there are few people that truely want me in there lives. The scary part is the close person that I consider to be to me, is embarrassed to show me off, and puts me last before everyone else.
I'm growing sick and tired of all this bullshit.
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[22 Jan 2006|01:26pm] |
Everything seems different to me latley, almost like the clouds moved out of the way and I can tell exactly what it is I was trying to look at for all these years. But don't get me wrong there is still plenty of stuff that is left to be uncovered, I'm only 17 and life just isn't nearly that easy to figure out. Life just isn't the same for me anymore, and no that isn't a bad thing either.
It seems like everyone around me is so consumed with the petty things in life that they forget what really matters in life, that is excluding a few of my friends. But for the past 2 months I have gone through so much, that I am still feeling a little more than neglectful towards a lot of people, I haven't ever felt so let down or push away for no apparent reason. But what really makes me sad is I finally got to hang out with an important person this past weekend and it was just like...ok. It just sucks when I don't feel like, just being around me is important. I forgot about ablsolutley everything this last weekend and the other person was worried about other stuff that really didn't even matter. I am figuring out that I am geared towards being secdon and in this sitation almost 4th in peoples lives. But i guess that is ok.
I've come to grips that the petty shit in life doesnt matter, when we all die. Its not what we had because of money, and not what we had becuase of being fake, and I can tell you this, I know way to many people, especially one that is soo damn close to me it hurts , that are so worried about whta other people think of them, that half of their pay checks is spent on trying to make them selves fit into a certain genre just so people will pay attenchion to them, but in all actuallity, that doesnt make any sense. Why do we all have to be so worried about what others think about us if we can't even be ourselves. It's absolutley horrible. When we die it won't matter, if life we to suddenly begin to end for this whole planet, the cell phones, the cash, the people that you so badly want to be friends with who probably wont come to be by your side becuase they all of people who are actually important to them, they all wont matter. I guess its what you get in life for being you. I can tell by looking at people who are close to me, and how they used to make fun of me for things that they now think are cool, only because people who are considered cooler like it, it kind of hurts, it kind of hurts to know that people that close to me are so easily taken over.
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[31 Dec 2005|04:58pm] |
Well I guess I have accepted to many apologies, it's something that brings me a great deal of pain as well. I am sick of being lied too, and worse yet she is always leading me on. You never had plans to go be with your dad, you are a liar. You are mad becasue I am spending time with another girl, well you know what, you don't deserve me anymore. You can't keep doing this too me. Lie lie lie.
Well tonight should be good, I am going to be surrounded by people who care about me, and you know what if you wouldnt have lied you could have been apart of that. But nope. Tomorrow I am going to a show in Northville, it should be a good time, she will probably be there and it will be hard, but I will see people I havent seen in a long time.
So with realzing all this, and being lied too. I have come to the assumption that I am not going to wait out moving on to this other girl, she makes me feel good, and she atleast cares about my feelings. Its been 2 months of this so I am not moving on to another girl right off the bat like last time, i have been trying my hardest.
have a happy new year.
love adam
oh and dont tell me you want to see me until you mean it. HOPE IT WAS WORTH IT.
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[27 Dec 2005|07:50pm] |
You catch my gal legs open betta smash that
Don't be surprise if she ask where the cash at
I see she wearing them jeans that show her butt crack
My girls can't wear that why that's where my cash at
I put my mack down that's where you lack at
She need her candlelit and I'ma wax that
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[27 Dec 2005|04:57pm] |
The carter two is the shit.
But for real though, all I gotta say is, lifes a bitch. I'm fuckin dipressed about some stupid shit, can't beleive she doesnt love me any more.
But then again, life is life, even though I 100 percent don't want to I have too, She told me this time, even after I bugged her back, So note that people, not that. Tonight should be fun, everyday this week should be fun. She got cute little ass crack.
Love adam
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[24 Dec 2005|02:18am] |
So this week has been pretty good. Wedseday after weigh in, which ricky nick and I killed ourselves to get down to weight, specially ricky, we went and had dinner at his house. It was surprisingly a good time, It was a short slash late night but then we had a tournament in Montrose up by Frankenmuth and it went really really well we took second, and then we had a big chicken dinner which was sweet. Today I went to the mall after work and was dipressed and sat by myself for 2 and half hours and just cought up on my life
I really wish she was still in, cause Ive done a lot of thinking and I know she would have wanted it this way. But my feelings tell me its too late.
I dunno, when I am around this other girl my sadness goes away, and she puts a smile on my face, but my heart feels like it was meant for someone else. I guess I am going to have to live life now, and start figuring shit out, cuase im not having another last summer.
Next week I'm hanging out with people I havent hung out with in forever, going to some shows, and I think I might be getting some Ink done, but I am not sure becasue of wrestling and it needs time to heal. We will have to see.
But I'm out for now.
Love Adam
xxx
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[20 Dec 2005|09:49pm] |
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So everything in my life fell to peices again, and now I am finding myself once again trying to pick up the millions of peices back up and put them back togeather. But for some reason I am sure I am never going to get those peices put back togeather because I think I lost them. Becasue she was everything, she was all those peices, and I tryed so hard, but I think she left me for good this time. I never thought I had hit rock bottem till this summer, I lost everything that ever ment anything to me, a best friend of mine and I grew apart and it about killed me because I loved him to death, and I still miss him, and I had met knew people got in a relationship with one which shouldnt have happend becuase it messed up a perfectly good friendship. But with all this going on, I realized that I loved Samantha Lynn Wood so much. I never spoke much about her with anyone because I felt as if I would be bragging, but if that girl needed a heart I would have givin her mine, I loved her sooo much, and the truth is I still do. Now I am scared, because the girl I wanted to spend my life with, will indeed no doubt contuine on in my worst fear the one that I talked about when I said I get scared thoughts in the morning, she will no doubt walk down that isle to another man, and my tears write now can not stop that, my words can not stop that. But I think I have hit my final rock bottem.
So this is for you sam if your reading this. I know your sick of hearing me ask for you back, well I'm not asking you for anything. I am thanking you, because this past month you've tought me so much about myself, I never realized why I was always angry and bickery, but it was because I never realized just how much love you gave me. I was so selfish to think that I was giving all the love and you know what. I sacraficed a lot for, and I would sacrafice my life for you. You made me realize that I could never spend enough money on you, I could never tell you I love you enough, I could never Kiss and hug you enough. I also want to thank you for giving me the power of life, becasue before you came along I didnt know what I wanted, but you made me stay out of trouble I have been a good student for 2 and half years becuase of you, I got a job and started saving for my life because of you. I just want to thank you. I am sorry for this past month, and it just hasnt been us, we pushed eachother to great limits and I know people are telling you to just be done with me and I am worthless, well I just hope they got the whole story. But the truth is sam, I love you, and Im sorry I am not in a band or have tatoos and not a few years older. But I do love you, and I am proud of you for going to school and getting TWO jobs and doing what you have to do to get your foot in the door of your career, and I am glad that you made me realize all these things. I just sucks because right now our relationship might not have been exciting and yeah its been getting old. But the truth is, after this summer, I just couldn't wait to move in with you, honestly there is nothing that would have kicked the bordem right out of our relationship. There isnt one other person in this world that I would have loved to come home to everyday, there isnt one person I would love to give my money to. I realized all I need in my life to be happy is you, but I guess I will most likley end up setteling for second, but maybe it will be ok becuase maybe who ever you walk down the isle to will make you happy, and I guess maybe my life will be complete, becasue my life was to make you happy, and just maybe I can die with a smile. I just want you to know Samantha Lynn Wood, I love you more than the first day that I met you, everysingle day I've just kept loving you more. If I dont get the guts to call you by Christmas I just want you to have Merry Christmas, and maybe someday Ill get your gift to you. I just need you know that everytime I asked you why you liked being near me and you replyed with becuase it kept me safe. I never realized that I had that same feeling, but I just dont feel safe anymore and I dont think I can ever feel safe giving my heart to someone else
I love you Samantha Lynn Wood
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[20 Dec 2005|09:17pm] |
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So everything in my life fell to peices again, and now I am finding myself once again trying to pick up the millions of peices back up and put them back togeather. But for some reason I am sure I am never going to get those peices put back togeather because I think I lost them. Becasue she was everything, she was all those peices, and I tryed so hard, but I think she left me for good this time. I never thought I had hit rock bottem till this summer, I lost everything that ever ment anything to me, a best friend of mine and I grew apart and it about killed me because I loved him to death, and I still miss him, and I had met knew people got in a relationship with one which shouldnt have happend becuase it messed up a perfectly good friendship. But with all this going on, I realized that I loved Samantha Lynn Wood so much. I never spoke much about her with anyone because I felt as if I would be bragging, but if that girl needed a heart I would have givin her mine, I loved her sooo much, and the truth is I still do. Now I am scared, because the girl I wanted to spend my life with, will indeed no doubt contuine on in my worst fear the one that I talked about when I said I get scared thoughts in the morning, she will no doubt walk down that isle to another man, and my tears write now can not stop that, my words can not stop that. But I think I have hit my final rock bottem.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v34/sucker4murder/samandiblkwhite.jpg
So this is for you sam if your reading this. I know your sick of hearing my ask for you back, well I'm not asking you anything. I am thanking you, because this past month you've tought me so much about myself, I never realized why I was always angry and bickery, but it was because I never realized just how much love you gave me. I was so selfish to think that I was giving all the love and you know what. I sacraficed a lot for, and I would sacrafice my life for you. You made me realize that I could never spend enough money on you, I could never tell you I love you enough, I could never Kiss and hug you enough. I also want to thank you for giving me the power of life, becasue before you came along I didnt know what I wanted, but you made me stay out of trouble I have been a good student for 2 and half years becuase of you, I got a job and started saving for my life because of you. I just want to thank you. I am sorry for this past month, and it just hasnt been us, we pushed eachother to great limits and I know people are telling you to just be done with me and I am worthless, well I just hope they got the whole story. But the truth is sam, I love you, and Im sorry I am not in a band or have tatoos and not a few years older. But I do love you, and I am proud of you for going to school and getting TWO jobs and doing what you have to do to get your foot in the door of your career, and I am glad that you made me realize all these things. I just sucks because right now our relationship might not have been exciting and yeah its been getting old. But the truth is, after this summer, I just couldn't wait to move in with you, honestly there is nothing that would have kicked the bordem right out of our relationship. There isnt one other person in this world that I would have loved to come home to everyday, there isnt one person I would love to give my money to. I realized all I need in my life to be happy is you, but I guess I will most likley end up setteling for second, but maybe it will be ok becuase maybe who ever you walk down the isle to will make you happy, and I guess maybe my life will be complete, becasue my life was to make you happy, and just maybe I can die with a smile. I just want you to know Samantha Lynn Wood, I love you more than the first day that I met you, everysingle day I've just kept loving you more. If I dont get the guts to call you by Christmas I just want you to have Merry Christmas, and maybe someday Ill get your gift to you. I just need you know that everytime I asked you why you liked being near me and you replyed with becuase it kept me safe. I never realized that I had that same feeling, but I just dont feel safe anymore and I dont think I can ever feel safe giving my heart to someone else.
I love you Samantha Lynn Wood
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[02 Dec 2005|02:16pm] |
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So last night was our first meet it went 50/50 we won our first against milan then we lost to dundee. It was a super fun time and a lot of friends came out to watch. The only sad part was Rickey ended up in the hospital because he was sezuring becuase of cutting wait and being very very dehidrated. Oh well, I can't eat again today until after 4 30 I have to lose a few pounds because we have to weigh in for our tournement tomorrow. Should be a good weekend.
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[29 Nov 2005|06:54pm] |
In my time, I've seen life born, and I been blessed enough to see life lossed, it's just the price life cost And shortly, explain my born, I know i'm born to do it wrong.
So when i'm gone, life goes on. Tell my mother, when she's on the front row, hold her head up
Shed no tears, and dred those years. Smile, and even though my whole life's been a po'ball
You did your's, and it's not your fault. Tell my grandmother those words too. She knows i'm headed to a better place. That'll put a smile on my girls face. God's graced the evil spirit that surronded me And pass me, and anytime it could'a had me. But when it all went wrong, sung the same ol' song. Now it's peace after the storm blew on.
And, it's the better life, security for your's and mine. What the evil lies, and not so guide
In my time, it's been times I would've stopped and called it quits. But I might as well sit until it's over wit.
Earth to earth, and ashes to ashes, dust to dust
It's the lord I trust.
The territory where I come from, so I guess it'll be when I return. No sorrow, it was just my turn. And in those last trumphet sounds, put me down in the ground.
But i'll proably be at home by now and it's help will change
Blinking of a eye, but I don't think I'll get to see that
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[25 Nov 2005|12:58pm] |
My thanksgiving was bullshit, I got in a fight with my dad, and its not right, all becuase of someone else. Fuck life, Fuck people, I've got too much shit going on, and if anybody is intrested, let's just say the drama from last summer is about to come back cause making money, being an asshole, is more important than me, but the second I move on, its like woah woah, I need you. Well fuck this, no body needs me I am a worthless piece of shit that doesn't give a fuck about too many people. But thanks for making my Thanksgiving joyable.
If anybody else has some stupid shit going on, talk to me, cause yeah, its rough. Other wise I am going to start fighting more or something.
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[13 Nov 2005|01:56pm] |
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Everything I do is for you. But everytime I make a sacrifice to do something for myself I seem to loose you, I seem to loose everyone. It seems like no matter how bad you ever treat me, I still treat you like a princess, considering all the additudes and the phone cover I bought you in the same day. I don't ask for much, but I do ask for my mistakes to be forgivin. But it seems like no matter what I always have to be perfect, I've lost everyone in my life that has ever met something to me. Nothing seems' worth it anymore, livin' life in fear of people bein in out just isn't worth it to me. I can never get a second chance from anyone.
When I die, fuck it I wanna go to hell
Cause I'm a piece of shit, it ain't hard to fuckin' tell
It don't make sense, goin' to heaven wit the goodie-goodies
Dressed in white, I like black Tims and black hoodies
God will probably have me on some real strict shit
No sleepin' all day, no gettin my dick licked
Hangin' with the goodie-goodies loungin' in paradise
Fuck that shit, I wanna tote guns and shoot dice
All my life I been considered as the worst
Lyin' to my mother, even stealin' out her purse
Crime after crime, from drugs to extortion
I know my mother wished she got a fuckin' abortion
She don't even love me like she did when I was younger
Suckin' on her chest just to stop my fuckin' hunger
I wonder if I died, would tears come to her eyes?
Forgive me for my disrespect, forgive me for my lies
I swear to God I just want to slit my wrists and end this bullshit
Throw the Magnum to my head, threaten to pull shit
And squeeze, until the bed's, completely red
I'm glad I'm dead, a worthless fuckin' buddah head
The stress is buildin' up, I can't,
I can't believe suicide's on my fuckin' mind
I want to leave, I swear to God I feel like death is fuckin' callin' me
Naw you wouldn't understand. You see its kinda like the crack did to Pookie, in New Jack
Except when I cross over, there ain't no comin' back
Should I die on the train track, like Remo in Beatstreet
People at the funeral frontin' like they miss me
My baby momma kissed me but she glad I'm gone
She knew me and her sista had somethin' goin' on
I reach my peak, I can't speak,
call my nigga Chic, tell him that my will is weak.
I'm sick of people lyin', I'm sick of bitches hawkin',
matter of fact, I'm sick of talkin'.
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[06 Nov 2005|10:08pm] |
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I ripped through the pages of your lies and saw your face written between the lines. I watched you cry and saw your tears seep and hide. Behind the story of your life, you said you'd "die for me" the only words you ever met, cause now your dead to us. Dead to me. You knew who we were from the starte and time don't change with me. Your clock keeps tickin, you better hope your heart don't stop, so lock you windows, lock your doors, Im commin to destroy your everything. Your Fucked.
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adam_firstborn's journal